Everyone out there seems to unanimously agree that 2016 has been hell, for some reason or other. Whether it be due to death, politics, trashy celebrity news or horrible trends, there was undoubtedly a reason for everyone to feel like this past year has been a basic bitch.
Then there’s me. This year was the first time in years that I was single (and still am), after being in relationship after relationship for more than 10 years, without so much as a break in between. Being thrown into the dating pool when you’re 30 is one thing, but having to realise the truth behind modern dating is another.
You’d think that having the choice of seeing several guys at a time, when you’re so used to being with just one, is like being a kid in a candy store. Uhm, sorry, no, it isn’t. Dating these days is fucking brutal – excuse my language. It truly is.
It seems like no single male these days dates for the prospect of finding a deeper connection.
‘Netflix and chill’ has become so commonplace it’s disgusting. From where I stand, it seems like dating has become a time-filler or a pursuit in finding the perfect fuck buddy/friend with benefits.
And even if that one date doesn’t culminate in the both of you getting between the sheets, the best alternative is to ghost on the other party. I honestly, truly don’t get it; please, can someone enlighten me as to why this is so?
I try my darndest best to try and understand why these guys react and behave the way they do, and I constantly and repeatedly tell myself it’s not my fault. But for someone dealing with her own depression and anxiety, it’s tough not to look within my person and question why no one has bothered to stay.
Is there something so terribly, fundamentally flawed with me, as a person?
Sometimes it does my head (and heart) in, frequently overthinking about how imperfect I am, how I could be so much better or easier to love, if I made some changes to myself. What if they saw through all my smiles and kind words and realised I was this broken, incomplete and thoroughly unmanageable woman? What if, at the end of the day, regardless of my efforts and willingness to commit, I am just simply unlovable?
There’s a reason I’ve quit all dating/social apps. I stick to the small circle of trust that I’ve curated this past year to include only those I believe will try their best to stand by me (nobody’s perfect, so I will not say I expect them to). All in all, I’ve basically thrown in the towel and have very little to no faith in modern dating. I honestly believe there is nothing that dating will do for me or for my current state of mind. As for my future, I guess if someone walks into my life miraculously, then let them.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not seeking validation from a lover or a fleeting encounter with a hot stud. I know self-love is the most important love there is. I’m just saying when I have put myself out there and worn my heart on my sleeve, it hasn’t turned out well. In fact, it really tears me apart. And that is why, for now, I am done.